August 31, 2010

RAIN (Rest Assured, I’m Not) [Part XVI of my "Thinking in Acronyms" series]

The same patch of road keeps tripping me up every morning. Don’t I ever learn to walk?

Fifteen minutes after it all came to a head there’s the exhale of the machines. A startling reminder of the recent past, when it all should stop in the moment.

Happiness makes me sad. All my smiles turn upside down. Like sand in an hour glass, grains of melancholy trickle into my heart and permeate the texture of my days.

The letters on the poster speak of colors the sun has long taken away. The lifeless people stare out in blue and yellow and dream of greens they haven’t seen in years.

There’s a skip in my step, a skip to avoid the sore spot inside and hide it from the world.
How am I doing? Who’s asking?

Locking up the chairs I kneel so close to the ground and all I am wants to give in to gravity, lie sprawled out on the dirty stones and let it all fall away.

Their poking rods keep pushing me on, stumbling forward, falling behind every timeline. Explosions keep hitting closer to home, people moving on, getting married, procreating, re-enacting. I’d rather see Venice in the morning.

I keep throwing hissy fits and having panic attacks. How do you think I’m doing?

If you can’t get the big pillars to hold, use the detail tacks to suspend your life thread from. Balance the tray well if you can’t balance your mood. Don’t spill the drink in your glass if you have to spill your tears at night. Clean the apartment spotless if everything else is a mess. And just if you could, remember to keep breathing.

The little pains worry me. How my elbow pops when I straighten my arm, that strain in my shoulder when I reach too far, the way my neck can’t stand sleeping on a pillow anymore, the tightness in my chest on Sunday mornings and that sore spot on my ankle from a slip on coastal rocks ten years ago.

There’s never enough time and there’s always too much of it at once. I want to stay lost in forever till yesterday comes back around. I reach across the water and all I feel is a cold, wet hand reaching back, too slippery to hold.

“Just tryin’ to get to somewhere, just end up getting by.”